Amerikana 365 Table of Contents, Leaked
Amerikana:365
- The Inter View
- Chem Tale: A Confession
- Bouncing A Ball
- Ambusement
- Post Pilates Coffee
- eBay, I Bid You A Duel
- Miss Mugging
- There Is No Such Thing As A Free Cup of Coffee
- Not The Masterpiece
- 10. God, Damn Junkies
- 11. Couple’s Therapy
- 12. P.S.A: Santa V. Jesus
- 13. Christmas Dinner
- 14. One Angry Man
- 15. Maniacs & Morons
- 16. Commercial: EZpresso Shotz
- 17. Flu Like Wildfire
- 18. Live Ammo
- 19. New Years Eve Next Door
- 20. Last Night: On Camera
- 21. Early Christmas
- 22. Class Re-Union
- 23. Writer’s Block
- 24. Sleep Head
- 25. Last Day of Vacation
- 26. Barking At Enforcement
- 27. The Poet Without A Pen Must Improvise
- 28. Dogz Life
- 29. Pie-Eatting Contest
- 30. Oh, Rats!
- 31. Paramedicas On A Mission
- 32. Commercial: Hair You Have To Have
- 33. Kalifornia: Earthquake
- 34. Stuck With A Jumper
- 35. From A Soapbox On A Hill
- 36. Caught At Sundance
- 37. From Inside The Box
- 38. Cat Calls
- 39. A Day In The Life Of: A Hypnotist
- 40. Rock Your Chakras
- 41. Chronic Problem
- 42. Routine Traffic Violation
- 43. Commercial: Government Sleep
- 44. World Of War Lads
- 45. Stop & Smell The Roses
- 46. Only So Many Gigs
- 47. Retire Young
- 48. News Report: Car Chase
- 49. Living Rightly
- 50. That’s What She Has To Say
- 51. Routine Doctor’s Visit
- 52. Littered Art
- 53. Spilt Coffee
- 54. Super Bowl Party Contest
- 55. Impulse Aisle
- 56. Top Ten Reasons To Watch MTV’s Jersey Shore
- 57. A Daughter’s Worth
- 58. Husband’s Home Early
- 59. Pee On The Seat
- 60. Inspired From Sleep
- 61. Dry Cleaner Humor
- 62. Shaman Knows Best
- 63. Familial Interrogation
- 64. Take It Outside
- 65. Valentine’s Day
- 66. Walking On Banana Peels
- 67. There’s A Hair
- 68. Intervention
- 69. Zombie Runners
- 70. Adrenaline Bust
- 71. Kalifornia: Prescription Pain Killer
- 72. Say It, Don’t Break It
- 73. Blowing Smoke
- 74. List Of Issues
- 75. Energy Conservation
- 76. Fire On The Horizon
- 77. Snooze
- 78. El Muchacho
- 79. Cell Reception
- 80. No Use Crying Over Melted Snow
- 81. Selling Candy To Strangers
- 82. Head Shots
- 83. Love Duel
- 84. Kalifornia: Terror From The Sky
- 85. Audience On Audience
- 86. Only Water, Sir
- 87. Commercial: Man Soap
- 88. A Little Help?
- 89. Bitch Of A Mother
- 90. No Exit
- 91. Crash Course In Maturity
- 92. The Artist’s Ways
- 93. Sometimes, Man… Sometimes
- 94. Fuck You, Fuck Me
- 95. The Credit Messenger
- 96. Handle With Care
- 97. Stung
- 98. Boiled Over
- 99. Just Another Awkward Glance
- Grandma’s 100th
- Blind Vision
- Massage Therapy
- Girl’s A Trick
- Dirty Laundry
- Sign Spinner & Clown
- Defused
- Strip Tease
- Penance
- Wannabe Workout Buddy
- Premature April Prankulation
- Child’s Play
- Dearest Piercing
- The Bus!
- Second Coming
- Season Opener
- Going Down
- Mini Golf Masters
- Le Sigh
- World’s Record
- Lost At Sea
- Girl Scouts
- Pandora
- Parent Refs
- When Comedy Meets Tragedy
- Bummed
- Saying Cheese At The DMV
- Potentially Painful Breakup
- Commercial: Sexual Mechanic
- Kalifornia: 4:19
- Doggone Barista
- De-Faced
- Michigan Or Bust!
- Organized Thought
- The End Of The Dying World As We Know It
- Highway Night Shift
- Nothing Funny About This (Rape)
- Race The Train
- On The Loose
- Gotta Go
- Intense Over Incense
- The Kids And Their Cookies
- How To Put A Roof Above Your Head
- Free Wi-Fi
- The Game
- Security Bypass
- 2 Girls 1 Door
- World Denominations
- BBQ Combining
- Mother’s Day
- Professional Juror
- Weak In The Knees
- The Game: The Game
- Busted Drugs
- Character of Credit
- Who’s There?
- Tequila!
- In One Ear
- Locked Out
- Commercial: Texas Tea
- Exhibition of Reading
- Hero’s Welcome
- Lover’s Compromise
- Helper Mankey
- Suicide Fund
- Happy Hour
- Expectations Kill
- Taking Out The Trash
- Studio Shopping
- Dropping Like Flies
- Gang Fight
- A Sip Of Life
- Jam Sesh
- Kalifornia: Bored
- Through 3 1/3 Hands
- The NOW
- Sideways Subs
- Student Unto Master
- Inside Interview
- Let’s Go!
- Mommy Cures All
- Drawing The Line
- I Got A Job!
- Can’t Mail
- Sketch Artists
- In The Trough
- Parked In The Red
- Picking It
- All Bet’s Off
- Commercial: The Button
- Gametime
- Kalifornia: On The Run, Pt 1
- Kalifornia: On The Run, Pt 2
- Life, In 3D
- Kalifornia: On The Run, Pt 3
- Kalifornia: On The Run, Pt 4
- Lucky Penny
- Half-And-Half
- Hobo Yoga
- Good Morning
- Beach Bummies
- Closet Dancer
- Soy What?
- Commercial: GMeal
- Watching Clouds
- Full Tank Of Gas
- Race Relations
- Slaughterhouse Rites
- Human Meat
- Man Rape
- C.A.
- Over Steeped
- No Op
- Maid In America
- Spoonless
- Indifferent Wheels
- Awake Behind The Wheel
- Trust The Devil (Kill The Buddha)
- Skinny Slipping
- Register Banter
- Warning Light
- To My Son
- Ninth Inning. Two Outs. Game Seven.
- Daily Dilemma
- Guard Gardeners
- Organic Orgasm Productions
- Too Tired For Morning
- 21 Beads
- Three Words
- Icarus
- Over-Draft Living
- August Leaf
- Sleep Roller
- Ashes Of Goodwill
- Coffee Pride
- Orange Shirt
- Suited Briefcases
- Burning Patriots
- Not Funny
- Karma
- Government & Small Business
- Off The Streets
- False Advertising
- Fast Break
- Circumstantial Superstition
- SpiderWebs
- Cyber Date
- Last Man Standing
- Must… Have…
- “Got ‘Blank’ In My ‘Blank’”
- Up Down
- Swatches
- Holy Sheet
- Penciled In
- Senile Muffin
- Misplaced Ticket
- Summer Job
- Gesundheit
- Apologies, On Hold
- No Apologies
- Robin Food
- Kiss To Bed
- Beautiful, So Sickening
- Too Tired To Park
- Flu Shot Time
- Spilt Milk
- Lunch Bag Surprise
- Dead Funny
- A Hobo’s Membership
- Clothesline
- Movie?
- One Bench
- Ball In
- Kalifornia: Always Remember
- It’s Over
- Red Light, Green Light
- Break With Brakes
- Come To Nana
- Someone’s Job Somewhere
- Planned Parenthood
- Last Phone Line Of Defense
- Skimpiness
- Reverse Engagement
- Slow Down
- Full Night’s Rest
- Soaking It In
- Schooled
- Sea Cougar
- Kalifornia: Rock-Paper-Asteroid
- Potato-Potatoe
- Sprinklers On A Rainy Day
- Fuck This
- Decadence
- Alienating Your Audience
- Art Unapologetic
- Kalifornia: Goals
- On Board
- The Industry
- Avoidance Theory
- Commercial: This Is Your Life On Meth
- Babysitter’s Barter
- Big Puppy
- Contempt
- Contract To Kill
- Fucked
- Town Idiot
- Platinum Girl
- Sardine Peanuts
- Happy Meal
- Kalifornia: Fake Plants
- Making A Killing
- Souled
- The Beauty Of Being Cold
- Super Bowled
- Get A Life
- Down To Ride
- Fastest Man In The World
- 5 Second Rule
- Youth Wasted
- Windex
- Pardon
- Mirror Reflection
- Not 21
- Trick Or Treat, Bitch
- Breathatarianism
- 5 Cents
- Safety Protocol
- Sky Mall
- Mind If I?
- Bang
- Not Very Fairy Like
- Never Green
- You’re It
- Under Where
- Nothing!?
- Late Times
- Extra On Parade
- Around The Block
- One Step
- Bloods And Crips
- WASP Torture
- Fanness
- A Lesson In PCP
- Until Death
- Silly Jealous
- One Cu,
- Adjust Yourself
- G-Sauce Khrist
- Walking the Dawg
- You Go Gurt
- Thankswishing
- Thanksgetting
- Santa’s Good Deed
- Lady Morphine
- Time For A Tree
- Oh, C’mon!
- Brown Boxes
- Stanky
- Bitch Slap
- Conflict of Conscience
- Repo Act
- Rap Stardom
- Advanced Daylight
- Terminated
- Re-Leashed
- Sunday Sermon
Amerikana:365
173 : Through 3 1/3 Hands
173/365
Through 3 1/3 Hands
Characters:
Bill
June
Luke
Janitor
Setting:
Office Building Lobby; Early Day
People pass through the scene. Bill walks in as he unfolds his newspaper and dives into it. He quickly pulls out the unnecessary stuff, like the ads and classifieds (“trash”), and drops them behind him as he goes. He also leaves other sections behind him as he looks for and finds the ‘Business’ and ‘Sports’ sections. He drops the rest of the paper and leaves, sections folded and placed into his armpit.
June enters and sees the paper strewn all about.
June: Jeez, look at all this trash. Oh, the ‘Entertainment section!
June picks up the section and takes a seat on the floor to read.
Luke walks in and sees all the paper on the floor.
Luke: Whoa. Someone not know what a recycling bin looks like.
Luke starts picking up the ads and classifieds then sees June sitting, reading.
Luke: Excuse me? You really shouldn’t leave all this here on the ground. There are places for paper goods to go.
June: And you shouldn’t go assuming I left this all here.
Luke: So it wasn’t you?
June: I’m just an innocent bystander who just so happens to now be finding all about the summer movie lineup.
Luke: Oh, well, I’m sorry about that.
June: It’s alright. You like to join me? I saw the ‘Main Page’ somewhere over there.
Luke: I do have places to go… but an impromptu paper-date couldn’t hurt.
June: Unless you happen to get cut. Then it’s no fun.
Luke: No fun at all. You wouldn’t know where the ‘Sports’ is?
June looks around a bit.
June: You know… I think the shmuck who left all this took it with him.
Luke: No fun at all.
June: Interesting fact…(waits)
Both wait awkwardly until he acknowledges.
June: Did you know that the average newspaper crosses 3 and one-third persons hands daily.
Luke: Whoa. Is that like the average U.S. family has 2 and one-fourth children?
June: Must. And you’re number three.
Luke: I wonder who the one-third is.
June: Yeah, right?
Janitor enters and push-brooms all the loose paper across the stage quickly and exits.
Luke: I guess now we know.
June: You disgust me.
Luke: What?
June: My father was a custodian.
June gets up and leaves.
Luke: Oh, come on. It’s just a joke.
140: Intense Over Incense
140/365
4/30/2010
Characters:
Fire Marshall
College Kid
Setting:
An Enclosed Space; Anytime
- – - – -
The room is dimly lit. A spark of light is seen from off stage. After three beats, College Kid comes into the scene and walks around the room with a stick of incense, cleansing the space. The College Kid moves all about the room in a slow, controlled, flowing movement, going from corner to corner of the room.
After Kid cleanses the first three corners, the Fire Marshall lets themselves in and looks around before noticing College Kid. The Fire Marshall walks in behind the Kid and when close enough, Marshall stops, takes a breath, and speaks.
Marshall: Excuse me.
Startles Kid.
Kid: Excuse me?
Marshall: Hey there.
Kid: How did you-
Marshall: What do you think you’re doing?
Kid: I’m cleansing my-
Marshall: Why would you cleanse this place with that?
Kid: Well, the bad vibes are taken with the smoke and-
Marshall: That’s the stupidest shit I’ve heard in a long time.
Kid: But-
Marshall: So, do you have a permit for that?
Kid: The incense?
Marshall: The fire dipship.
Kid: It’s not burning.
Marshall: Smoldering’s still a fire. You got a permit for-
Kid: No.
Marhsall: No?
Kid: … No.
Marshall: Well then.
Marshall takes a step towards the Kid. Kid slightly steps aback. Marshall reaches out and puts out the smoldering with his pointer finger and thumb. He holds the pinch on the incense for two beats as he looks into Kid’s eyes; somewhat intense, somewhat intimidating. Marshall releases the stick and pulls back his hand, putting it next to his side.
Kid: Is this really neces-
Marshall: I’m a protector of the public and next time you better have a fucking fire permit for this theatre or I’m going to come down on your ass so fast-
Kid: That’s what she said.
Marshall tightens knuckles and releases.
Marshall: Not in my city. Not in my city.
Marshall turns around to leave.
Marshall: One more thing…
Awkward pause. Kid realizes Marshall’s waiting for him to say something.
Kid: Oh; yeah?
Marshall: What scent is that? It’s pleasant.
Kid: This? It’s ‘suck my dick you fire narc’; also know as ‘Farc.’ Now please leave, thank you.
Marshall: Just don’t do anything stupid, kid… or I’ll be back.
Marshall leaves. Door closes. Kdi throws incense at the door behind him.
Kid: Damn, that’s a ju-ju kill.
Kid exits space.
121 : Girl Scouts of Amerika (for jim)
121/365
4/11/2010
Characters:
Mom
Liz – Girl Scout, Daughter
Nica – Girl Scout
Jasmin – Girl Scout
Guy
Woman
Creep
Setting:
Outside Shopping Area; Day
- – - – -
The Girl Scouts and Mom finish setting up their table of cookies and are excited to start making sales.
Mom: Looking good girls… and the display looks great too. I wouldn’t be surprised if we sell ‘em all by noon.
Liz: C’mon mom.
Mom: Hey, I believe in you girls. And now that we’re done setting up, I’m going to do a little shopping nearby. Sell those cookies, girls!
Girls: Bye!
Mom leaves scene.
Mom: Make me proud!
Jasmin: Isn’t your mom supposed to stay with us?
Liz: Whatever. We can do this ourselves.
Nica: We’re girl scouts; it’s what we do.
Jasmin: I guess.
Liz: Time to make some sales.
Liz hikes up her skirt a little and undoes a button on her blouse.
Jasmin: What are you doing?
Liz: I’m getting ready.
Nica: Sex sells, right?
Liz: Exactly.
Nica follows suit and does the same as Liz.
Jasmin: But shouldn’t we make the sales ourselves; not our bodies?
Liz: But if it’s going to make it that much easier to sell this shit to these suckers, why not, right?
Nica: Totally.
Jasmin: You girls can do whatever you want.
Liz: That’s fine.
Guy walks in. Girls get prepped up.
Nica: Hey there! Would you like to buy some of our sweet, sweet goods?
Liz: You know you do.
Nica: C’mon. You know you want to buy our cookies.
Guy: I don’t think so. Not today girls.
Jasmin: Thanks!
Guy walks out.
Liz: Jasmin! What are you doing!?
Jasmin: What?
Liz: You don’t thank them if they didn’t buy anything. That’s like a free, wasted ‘thank you.’ Save them for the customers.
Jasmin: My mom was right; you’re just as conceited as your mom.
Liz: Hey!
Nica: Girls! Someone’s coming!
Girls stop their bickering and get ready for the approaching person. Woman enters scene and approaches the table.
Woman: Selling some cookies?
Nica: Yup!
Woman: Aww, that’s great.
Liz: They’re the sweetest thing you’ll sink your teeth into all day… besides us, of course.
Woman: Excuse me? Is that really your pitch?
Liz: I’m sorry if I was mistaken. It just seemed to me you were a lesbian because of the way you’re dressed.
Woman: And I thought wearing that uniform meant you were a girl scout and trying to become a more self-sufficient, independent young woman.
Jasmin: It does.
Woman: Well it doesn’t seem like that to me.
Nica: Well, we’re the new generation of girl scouts. Sexy, witty…
Woman: You girls stand for nothing the girl scouts of America stand for.
Liz: Yeah? Well you represent everything broken scales stand for.
Jasmin: Liz.
Woman: What!?
Woman takes one intimidating step towards Liz and Liz gets a little startled but tries to save face and get tough back.
Woman: What troupe do you girls represent? I want to know.
Liz: Troupe ‘Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-Here.’
Woman: Expect a letter from me to your local chapters. This is ridiculous.
Nica: So, would you like to buy a box of our cookies?
Woman: I wanted to support you girls at first but now I see my money would have supported little bitches. So, no thank you.
Jasmin: I’m sorry. Please don’t believe-
Woman: Good-bye.
Woman walks away and leaves.
Nica: We don’t need her business. There’s plenty of other people out there.
Liz: Right? Who does she think she is?
Jasmin: Maybe we should try being nice and legitimately selling our product this time? Rather than-
Liz: Whoa, whoa, whoa. How about we just stick to plan.
Jasmin: Isn’t that the plan?
Nica: Customer!
Girls get themselves prepped up again. Creep walks in.
Nica: Hey there!
Jasmin: Would you like to help support the Girl Scouts of America by buying some of our cookies?
Liz: They’re so moist and delicious, you’ll think they were made out of us girl scouts ourselves.
Creep: Oh yeah?
Liz: Yup. They’ll melt in your mouth just like we do.
Creep: Promise.
Nica: Pinkie-promise.
Nica puts out her pinkie and Creep looks at her hand, then extends his hand out and pinkie-promises.
Creep: Alright. I’ll take fourty.
Jasmin: Cookies?
Creep: No. Boxes.
Liz: Whoooo! Alright!
Creep: If you girls want to bring them to my van over here, that’d be great.
Nica: What kind would you like? How many?
Creep: Surprise me. I want what you’ve got.
Liz: You’ve got it.
Girls go and grab a large box each. Creep watches them as they bend over and grab the boxes. Liz and Nica fight over the boxes and Jasmin is left without a box to carry. Liz and Nica each grab the boxes and walk back to the Creep.
Nica: Alright; where to?
Creep: Follow me.
Liz: Jasmine, you stay here and watch our display. Who knows, maybe you’ll sell a box or two.
Jasmin: I’ll be here.
Nica: See you soon.
Creep leads Liz and Nica out of the scene as Jasmin walks to the opposite side of the scene looking off and around for potential customers.
Creep: (off-scene) Alright if you two want to put those boxes back there in the back; go ahead and get in there.
Liz: (off-scene) Okay. Back here?
Creep: (off-scene) You too.
Nica: (off-scene) Back here?
Creep: (off-scene) A little further… perfect.
Liz: (off-scene) Is that i-
The sound of a van door closing is heard. Jasmin remains ignorant to the whole thing, just looking around at potential customers. The sound of an engine starting and a van pulling away is heard.
Mom walks back in with a few bags in hand and a new, shorter skirt on.
Mom: Hey Jasmin. How are sales?
Jasmin: They’re good.
Mom: Where are the girls?
Jasmin: Oh, you know… around.
Mom: Good. I think it’s time for a mani- and a pedi-. You okay to hold down the cookie fort?
Jasmin: That’s why I’m a girl scout, right?
Mom: Sure. See you soon, darling.
Jasmin: Bye.
Mom leaves. Jasmin looks around again and smiles really wide.
116 : Going Down
Characters:
Woman
Boy
Girlfriend
Setting:
Airplane; Evening
A Boy sits next to Woman riding on a plan; the third seat next to Boy empty. As he writes in a notebook and she reads from a book, turbulence begins to set in. It remains for a while and the two look at each other but say nothing.
Pilot (v.o.): It appears we’ve lost power to the engines. Please remain calm. I’m sorry everyone.
Turbulence gets even worse and the two look at each other again and they grab each other and kiss. They continue to make out as the turbulence continues.
The plane slowly levels out as the two continue to kiss. Eventually, the plane stabilizes as Girlfriend walks in from the bathroom behind Boy. She clears her throat and Boy immediately stops kissing the Woman. He slowly looks up behind him and smiles nervously at his Girlfriend.
Boy: I know what you’re thinking, but… I totally thought we were going to die.
GF: Oh, you’re going to die alright.
Girlfriend sits down in her seat.
Boy: Believe me love when I say that I wish it were you I was kissing to my death.
Girlfriend puts her headphones on and closes her eyes.
Boy: Damnit.
Turbulence starts to kick up again.
