1. The Inter View
2. Chem Tale: A Confession
3. Bouncing A Ball
4. Ambusement
5. Post Pilates Coffee
6. eBay, I Bid You A Duel
7. Miss Mugging
8. There Is No Such Thing As A Free Cup of Coffee
9. Not The Masterpiece
10. 10.  God, Damn Junkies
11. 11.  Couple’s Therapy
12. 12.  P.S.A: Santa V. Jesus
13. 13.  Christmas Dinner
14. 14.  One Angry Man
15. 15.  Maniacs & Morons
16. 16.  Commercial: EZpresso Shotz
17. 17.  Flu Like Wildfire
18. 18.  Live Ammo
19. 19.  New Years Eve Next Door
20. 20.  Last Night: On Camera
21. 21.   Early Christmas
22. 22.  Class Re-Union
23. 23.  Writer’s Block
24. 24.  Sleep Head
25. 25.  Last Day of Vacation
26. 26.  Barking At Enforcement
27. 27.  The Poet Without A Pen Must Improvise
28. 28.  Dogz Life
29. 29.  Pie-Eatting Contest
30. 30.  Oh, Rats!
31. 31.  Paramedicas On A Mission
32. 32.  Commercial: Hair You Have To Have
33. 33.  Kalifornia: Earthquake
34. 34.  Stuck With A Jumper
35. 35.  From A Soapbox On A Hill
36. 36.  Caught At Sundance
37. 37.  From Inside The Box
38. 38.  Cat Calls
39. 39.  A Day In The Life Of: A Hypnotist
40. 40.  Rock Your Chakras
41. 41.  Chronic Problem
42. 42.  Routine Traffic Violation
43. 43.  Commercial: Government Sleep
44. 44.  World Of War Lads
45. 45.  Stop & Smell The Roses
46. 46.   Only So Many Gigs
47. 47.   Retire Young
48. 48.   News Report: Car Chase
49. 49.  Living Rightly
50. 50.  That’s What She Has To Say
51. 51.  Routine Doctor’s Visit
52. 52.  Littered Art
53. 53.  Spilt Coffee
54. 54.  Super Bowl Party Contest
55. 55.  Impulse Aisle
56. 56.  Top Ten Reasons To Watch MTV’s Jersey Shore
57. 57.  A Daughter’s Worth
58. 58.  Husband’s Home Early
59. 59.  Pee On The Seat
60. 60.  Inspired From Sleep
61. 61.  Dry Cleaner Humor
62. 62.  Shaman Knows Best
63. 63.  Familial Interrogation
64. 64.  Take It Outside
65. 65.  Valentine’s Day
66. 66.  Walking On Banana Peels
67. 67.  There’s A Hair
68. 68.  Intervention
69. 69.  Zombie Runners
70. 70.  Adrenaline Bust
71. 71.  Kalifornia: Prescription Pain Killer
72. 72.  Say It, Don’t Break It
73. 73.  Blowing Smoke
74. 74.  List Of Issues
75. 75.  Energy Conservation
76. 76.  Fire On The Horizon
77. 77.  Snooze
78. 78.  El Muchacho
79. 79.  Cell Reception
80. 80.  No Use Crying Over Melted Snow
81. 81.  Selling Candy To Strangers
82. 82.  Head Shots
83. 83.  Love Duel
84. 84.  Kalifornia: Terror From The Sky
85. 85.  Audience On Audience
86. 86.  Only Water, Sir
87. 87.  Commercial: Man Soap
88. 88.  A Little Help?
89. 89.  Bitch Of A Mother
90. 90.  No Exit
91. 91.  Crash Course In Maturity
92. 92.  The Artist’s Ways
93. 93.  Sometimes, Man… Sometimes
94. 94.  Fuck You, Fuck Me
95. 95.  The Credit Messenger
96. 96.  Handle With Care
97. 97.  Stung
98. 98.  Boiled Over
99. 99.  Just Another Awkward Glance
100. Grandma’s 100^th
101. Blind Vision
102. Massage Therapy
103. Girl’s A Trick
104. Dirty Laundry
105. Sign Spinner & Clown
106. Defused
107. Strip Tease
108. Penance
109. Wannabe Workout Buddy
110. Premature April Prankulation
111. Child’s Play
112. Dearest Piercing
113. The Bus!
114. Second Coming
115. Season Opener
116. Going Down
117. Mini Golf Masters
118. Le Sigh
119. World’s Record
120. Lost At Sea
121. Girl Scouts
122. Pandora
123. Parent Refs
124. When Comedy Meets Tragedy
125. Bummed
126. Saying Cheese At The DMV
127. Potentially Painful Breakup
128. Commercial: Sexual Mechanic
129. Kalifornia: 4:19
130. Doggone Barista
131. De-Faced
132. Michigan Or Bust!
133. Organized Thought
134. The End Of The Dying World As We Know It
135. Highway Night Shift
136. Nothing Funny About This (Rape)
137. Race The Train
138. On The Loose
139. Gotta Go
140. Intense Over Incense
141. The Kids And Their Cookies
142. How To Put A Roof Above Your Head
143. Free Wi-Fi
144. The Game
145. Security Bypass
146. 2 Girls 1 Door
147. World Denominations
148. BBQ Combining
149. Mother’s Day
150. Professional Juror
151. Weak In The Knees
152. The Game: The Game
153. Busted Drugs
154. Character of Credit
155. Who’s There?
156. Tequila!
157. In One Ear
158. Locked Out
159. Commercial: Texas Tea
160. Exhibition of Reading
161. Hero’s Welcome
162. Lover’s Compromise
163. Helper Mankey
164. Suicide Fund
165. Happy Hour
166. Expectations Kill
167. Taking Out The Trash
168. Studio Shopping
169. Dropping Like Flies
170. Gang Fight
171. A Sip Of Life
172. Jam Sesh
173. Kalifornia: Bored
174. Through 3 1/3 Hands
175. The NOW
176. Sideways Subs
177. Student Unto Master
178. Inside Interview
179. Let’s Go!
180. Mommy Cures All
181. Drawing The Line
182. I Got A Job!
183. Can’t Mail
184. Sketch Artists
185. In The Trough
186. Parked In The Red
187. Picking It
188. All Bet’s Off
189. Commercial: The Button
190. Gametime
191. Kalifornia: On The Run, Pt 1
192. Kalifornia: On The Run, Pt 2
193. Life, In 3D
194. Kalifornia: On The Run, Pt 3
195. Kalifornia: On The Run, Pt 4
196. Lucky Penny
197. Half-And-Half
198. Hobo Yoga
199. Good Morning
200. Beach Bummies
201. Closet Dancer
202. Soy What?
203. Commercial: GMeal
204. Watching Clouds
205. Full Tank Of Gas
206. Race Relations
207. Slaughterhouse Rites
208. Human Meat
209. Man Rape
210. C.A.
211. Over Steeped
212. No Op
213. Maid In America
214. Spoonless
215. Indifferent Wheels
216. Awake Behind The Wheel
217. Trust The Devil (Kill The Buddha)
218. Skinny Slipping
219. Register Banter
220. Warning Light
221. To My Son
222. Ninth Inning.  Two Outs.  Game Seven.
223. Daily Dilemma
224. Guard Gardeners
225. Organic Orgasm Productions
226. Too Tired For Morning
227. 21 Beads
228. Three Words
229. Icarus
230. Over-Draft Living
231. August Leaf
232. Sleep Roller
233. Ashes Of Goodwill
234. Coffee Pride
235. Orange Shirt
236. Suited Briefcases
237. Burning Patriots
238. Not Funny
239. Karma
240. Government & Small Business
241. Off The Streets
242. False Advertising
243. Fast Break
244. Circumstantial Superstition
245. SpiderWebs
246. Cyber Date
247. Last Man Standing
248. Must… Have…
249. “Got ‘Blank’ In My ‘Blank’”
250. Up Down
251. Swatches
252. Holy Sheet
253. Penciled In
254. Senile Muffin
255. Misplaced Ticket
256. Summer Job
257. Gesundheit
258. Apologies, On Hold
259. No Apologies
260. Robin Food
261. Kiss To Bed
262. Beautiful, So Sickening
263. Too Tired To Park
264. Flu Shot Time
265. Spilt Milk
266. Lunch Bag Surprise
267. Dead Funny
268. A Hobo’s Membership
269. Clothesline
270. Movie?
271. One Bench
272. Ball In
273. Kalifornia: Always Remember
274. It’s Over
275. Red Light, Green Light
276. Break With Brakes
277. Come To Nana
278. Someone’s Job Somewhere
279. Planned Parenthood
280. Last Phone Line Of Defense
281. Skimpiness
282. Reverse Engagement
283. Slow Down
284. Full Night’s Rest
285. Soaking It In
286. Schooled
287. Sea Cougar
288. Kalifornia: Rock-Paper-Asteroid
289. Potato-Potatoe
290. Sprinklers On A Rainy Day
291. Fuck This
292. Decadence
293. Alienating Your Audience
294. Art Unapologetic
295. Kalifornia: Goals
296. On Board
297. The Industry
298. Avoidance Theory
299. Commercial: This Is Your Life On Meth
300. Babysitter’s Barter
301. Big Puppy
302. Contempt
303. Contract To Kill
304. Fucked
305. Town Idiot
306. Platinum Girl
307. Sardine Peanuts
308. Happy Meal
309. Kalifornia: Fake Plants
310. Making A Killing
311. Souled
312. The Beauty Of Being Cold
313. Super Bowled
314. Get A Life
315. Down To Ride
316. Fastest Man In The World
317. 5 Second Rule
318. Youth Wasted
319. Windex
320. Pardon
321. Mirror Reflection
322. Not 21
323. Trick Or Treat, Bitch
324. Breathatarianism
325. 5 Cents
326. Safety Protocol
327. Sky Mall
328. Mind If I?
329. Bang
330. Not Very Fairy Like
331. Never Green
332. You’re It
333. Under Where
334. Nothing!?
335. Late Times
336. Extra On Parade
337. Around The Block
338. One Step
339. Bloods And Crips
340. WASP Torture
341. Fanness
342. A Lesson In PCP
343. Until Death
344. Silly Jealous
345. One Cu,
346. Adjust Yourself
347. G-Sauce Khrist
348. Walking the Dawg
349. You Go Gurt
350. Thankswishing
351. Thanksgetting
352. Santa’s Good Deed
353. Lady Morphine
354. Time For A Tree
355. Oh, C’mon!
356. Brown Boxes
357. Stanky
358. Bitch Slap
359. Conflict of Conscience
360. Repo Act
361. Rap Stardom
362. Advanced Daylight
363. Terminated
364. Re-Leashed
365. Sunday Sermon

Amerikana:365

Through 3 1/3 Hands

Characters:
Bill
June
Luke
Janitor

Setting:
Office Building Lobby; Early Day

People pass through the scene.  Bill walks in as he unfolds his newspaper and dives into     it.  He quickly pulls out the unnecessary stuff, like the ads and classifieds (“trash”), and drops them behind him as he goes.  He also leaves other sections behind him as he looks for and finds the ‘Business’ and ‘Sports’ sections.  He drops the rest of the paper and leaves, sections folded and placed into his armpit.

June enters and sees the paper strewn all about.

June:               Jeez, look at all this trash.  Oh, the ‘Entertainment section!

June picks up the section and takes a seat on the floor to read.

Luke walks in and sees all the paper on the floor.

Luke:              Whoa.  Someone not know what a recycling bin looks like.

Luke starts picking up the ads and classifieds then sees June sitting, reading.

Luke:              Excuse me?  You really shouldn’t leave all this here on the ground.  There are places for paper goods to go.

June:               And you shouldn’t go assuming I left this all here.

Luke:              So it wasn’t you?

June:               I’m just an innocent bystander who just so happens to now be finding all about                              the summer movie lineup.

Luke:              Oh, well, I’m sorry about that.

June:               It’s alright.  You like to join me?  I saw the ‘Main Page’ somewhere over there.

Luke:              I do have places to go… but an impromptu paper-date couldn’t hurt.

June:               Unless you happen to get cut.  Then it’s no fun.

Luke:              No fun at all.  You wouldn’t know where the ‘Sports’ is?

June looks around a bit.

June:               You know… I think the shmuck who left all this took it with him.

Luke:              No fun at all.

June:               Interesting fact…(waits)

Both wait awkwardly until he acknowledges.

June: Did you know that the average newspaper crosses 3 and one-third persons                                                 hands daily.

Luke:              Whoa.  Is that like the average U.S. family has 2 and one-fourth children?

June:               Must.  And you’re number three.

Luke:              I wonder who the one-third is.

June:               Yeah, right?

Janitor enters and push-brooms all the loose paper across the stage quickly and exits.

Luke:              I guess now we know.

June:               You disgust me.

Luke:              What?

June:               My father was a custodian.

June gets up and leaves.

Luke:              Oh, come on.  It’s just a joke.

Characters:

Fire Marshall
College Kid

Setting:

An Enclosed Space; Anytime

- – - – -

The room is dimly lit.  A spark of light is seen from off stage.  After three beats, College Kid comes into the scene and walks around the room with a stick of incense, cleansing the space.  The College Kid moves all about the room in a slow, controlled, flowing movement, going from corner to corner of the room.

After Kid cleanses the first three corners, the Fire Marshall lets themselves in and looks around before noticing College Kid.  The Fire Marshall walks in behind the Kid and when close enough, Marshall stops, takes a breath, and speaks.

Marshall:        Excuse me.

Startles Kid.

Kid:                Excuse me?

Marshall:        Hey there.

Kid:                 How did you-

Marshall:        What do you think you’re doing?

Kid:                 I’m cleansing my-

Marshall:        Why would you cleanse this place with that?

Kid:                 Well, the bad vibes are taken with the smoke and-

Marshall:        That’s the stupidest shit I’ve heard in a long time.

Kid:                 But-

Marshall:        So, do you have a permit for that?

Kid:                 The incense?

Marshall:        The fire dipship.

Kid:                 It’s not burning.

Marshall:        Smoldering’s still a fire.  You got a permit for-

Kid:                 No.

Marhsall:        No?

Kid:                 … No.

Marshall:        Well then.

Marshall takes a step towards the Kid.  Kid slightly steps aback.  Marshall reaches out and puts out the smoldering with his pointer finger and thumb.  He holds the pinch on the incense for two beats as he looks into Kid’s eyes; somewhat intense, somewhat intimidating.  Marshall releases the stick and pulls back his hand, putting it next to his side.

Kid:                 Is this really neces-

Marshall:        I’m a protector of the public and next time you better have a fucking fire permit for this theatre or I’m going to come down on your ass so fast-

Kid:                 That’s what she said.

Marshall tightens knuckles and releases.

Marshall:        Not in my city.  Not in my city.

Marshall turns around to leave.

Marshall:        One more thing…

Awkward pause.  Kid realizes Marshall’s waiting for him to say something.

Kid:                 Oh; yeah?

Marshall:        What scent is that?  It’s pleasant.

Kid:                 This?  It’s ‘suck my dick you fire narc’; also know as ‘Farc.’  Now please leave, thank you.

Marshall:        Just don’t do anything stupid, kid… or I’ll be back.

Marshall leaves.  Door closes.  Kdi throws incense at the door behind him.

Kid:                 Damn, that’s a ju-ju kill.

Kid exits space.

Characters:

Mom
Liz – Girl Scout, Daughter
Nica – Girl Scout
Jasmin – Girl Scout
Guy
Woman
Creep

Setting:
Outside Shopping Area; Day

- – - – -

The Girl Scouts and Mom finish setting up their table of cookies and are excited to start making sales.

Mom:              Looking good girls… and the display looks great too.  I wouldn’t be surprised if we sell ‘em all by noon.

Liz:                  C’mon mom.

Mom:              Hey, I believe in you girls.  And now that we’re done setting up, I’m going to do a little shopping nearby.  Sell those cookies, girls!

Girls:               Bye!

Mom leaves scene.

Mom:              Make me proud!

Jasmin:           Isn’t your mom supposed to stay with us?

Liz:                  Whatever.  We can do this ourselves.

Nica:               We’re girl scouts; it’s what we do.

Jasmin:           I guess.

Liz:                  Time to make some sales.

Liz hikes up her skirt a little and undoes a button on her blouse.

Jasmin:           What are you doing?

Liz:                  I’m getting ready.

Nica:               Sex sells, right?

Liz:                  Exactly.

Nica follows suit and does the same as Liz.

Jasmin:           But shouldn’t we make the sales ourselves; not our bodies?

Liz:                  But if it’s going to make it that much easier to sell this shit to these suckers, why not, right?

Nica:               Totally.

Jasmin:           You girls can do whatever you want.

Liz:                  That’s fine.

Guy walks in.  Girls get prepped up.

Nica:               Hey there!  Would you like to buy some of our sweet, sweet goods?
Liz:                  You know you do.

Nica:               C’mon.  You know you want to buy our cookies.

Guy:                I don’t think so.  Not today girls.

Jasmin:           Thanks!

Guy walks out.

Liz:                  Jasmin!  What are you doing!?

Jasmin:           What?

Liz:                  You don’t thank them if they didn’t buy anything.  That’s like a free, wasted ‘thank you.’  Save them for the customers.

Jasmin:           My mom was right; you’re just as conceited as your mom.

Liz:                  Hey!

Nica:               Girls!  Someone’s coming!

Girls stop their bickering and get ready for the approaching person.  Woman enters scene and approaches the table.

Woman:          Selling some cookies?

Nica:               Yup!

Woman:          Aww, that’s great.

Liz:                  They’re the sweetest thing you’ll sink your teeth into all day… besides us, of course.

Woman:          Excuse me?  Is that really your pitch?

Liz:                  I’m sorry if I was mistaken.  It just seemed to me you were a lesbian because of the way you’re dressed.

Woman:          And I thought wearing that uniform meant you were a girl scout and trying to become a more self-sufficient, independent young woman.

Jasmin:           It does.

Woman:          Well it doesn’t seem like that to me.

Nica:               Well, we’re the new generation of girl scouts.  Sexy, witty…

Woman:          You girls stand for nothing the girl scouts of America stand for.

Liz:                  Yeah?  Well you represent everything broken scales stand for.

Jasmin:           Liz.

Woman:          What!?

Woman takes one intimidating step towards Liz and Liz gets a little startled but tries to save face and get tough back.

Woman:          What troupe do you girls represent?  I want to know.

Liz:                  Troupe ‘Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-Here.’

Woman:          Expect a letter from me to your local chapters.  This is ridiculous.

Nica:               So, would you like to buy a box of our cookies?

Woman:          I wanted to support you girls at first but now I see my money would have supported little bitches.  So, no thank you.

Jasmin:           I’m sorry.  Please don’t believe-

Woman:          Good-bye.

Woman walks away and leaves.

Nica:               We don’t need her business.  There’s plenty of other people out there.

Liz:                  Right?  Who does she think she is?

Jasmin:           Maybe we should try being nice and legitimately selling our product this time?  Rather than-

Liz:                  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  How about we just stick to plan.

Jasmin:           Isn’t that the plan?

Nica:               Customer!

Girls get themselves prepped up again.  Creep walks in.

Nica:               Hey there!

Jasmin:           Would you like to help support the Girl Scouts of America by buying some of our cookies?

Liz:                  They’re so moist and delicious, you’ll think they were made out of us girl scouts ourselves.

Creep:             Oh yeah?

Liz:                  Yup.  They’ll melt in your mouth just like we do.

Creep:             Promise.

Nica:               Pinkie-promise.

Nica puts out her pinkie and Creep looks at her hand, then extends his hand out and pinkie-promises.

Creep:             Alright.  I’ll take fourty.

Jasmin:           Cookies?

Creep:             No.  Boxes.

Liz:                  Whoooo!  Alright!

Creep:             If you girls want to bring them to my van over here, that’d be great.

Nica:               What kind would you like?  How many?

Creep:             Surprise me.  I want what you’ve got.

Liz:                  You’ve got it.

Girls go and grab a large box each.  Creep watches them as they bend over and grab the boxes.  Liz and Nica fight over the boxes and Jasmin is left without a box to carry.  Liz and Nica each grab the boxes and walk back to the Creep.

Nica:               Alright; where to?

Creep:             Follow me.

Liz:                  Jasmine, you stay here and watch our display.  Who knows, maybe you’ll sell a box or two.

Jasmin:           I’ll be here.

Nica:               See you soon.

Creep leads Liz and Nica out of the scene as Jasmin walks to the opposite side of the scene looking off and around for potential customers.

Creep:             (off-scene)  Alright if you two want to put those boxes back there in the back; go ahead and get in there.

Liz:                  (off-scene)  Okay.  Back here?

Creep:             (off-scene)  You too.

Nica:               (off-scene)  Back here?

Creep:             (off-scene)  A little further… perfect.

Liz:                  (off-scene)  Is that i-

The sound of a van door closing is heard.  Jasmin remains ignorant to the whole thing, just looking around at potential customers.  The sound of an engine starting and a van pulling away is heard.

Mom walks back in with a few bags in hand and a new, shorter skirt on.

Mom:              Hey Jasmin.  How are sales?

Jasmin:           They’re good.

Mom:              Where are the girls?

Jasmin:           Oh, you know… around.

Mom:              Good.  I think it’s time for a mani- and a pedi-.  You okay to hold down the cookie fort?

Jasmin:           That’s why I’m a girl scout, right?

Mom:              Sure.  See you soon, darling.

Jasmin:           Bye.

Mom leaves.  Jasmin looks around again and smiles really wide.

Woman
Boy
Girlfriend

Setting:
Airplane; Evening

A Boy sits next to Woman riding on a plan; the third seat next to Boy empty.  As he writes in a notebook and she reads from a book, turbulence begins to set in.  It remains for a while and the two look at each other but say nothing.

Pilot (v.o.):      It appears we’ve lost power to the engines.  Please remain calm.  I’m sorry everyone.

Turbulence gets even worse and the two look at each other again and they grab each other and kiss.  They continue to make out as the turbulence continues.

The plane slowly levels out as the two continue to kiss.  Eventually, the plane stabilizes as Girlfriend walks in from the bathroom behind Boy.  She clears her throat and Boy immediately stops kissing the Woman.  He slowly looks up behind him and smiles nervously at his Girlfriend.

Boy:                I know what you’re thinking, but… I totally thought we were going to die.

GF:                 Oh, you’re going to die alright.

Girlfriend sits down in her seat.

Boy:                Believe me love when I say that I wish it were you I was kissing to my death.

Girlfriend puts her headphones on and closes her eyes.

Boy:                Damnit.

Turbulence starts to kick up again.

Characters:
Person
Friend

Setting:
Apartment Living Room; Morning

Person sits on the couch tying their shoes, about to leave for work.  As they finish the knot, their phone rings.  They get up and go answer it.

Person:           Hello?

Waits.

Person:           I am, why do you ask?  (Waits.) Yes, they are both my parents.  Why?  (Waits.) What?  Just this morning?  You’re kidding; no way.

Person starts to break down crying, putting the phone down by their side.

Person:           (to self)  I can’t believe it.  What the- Why?  Oh, God.

Friend runs in with a phone at their side.

Friend:            April Fools!

Person:           What?

Friend:            Hahahaha!  I got you soooo good!  (mimicking) ‘Mommy?  Daddy?’

Person:           Are you fucking kidding?  April Fools?  It’s not even April 1^st!

Friend:            Yeah it is.

Person:           No… it’s not.

Friend:            No?  Prove it.

Person grabs friends ear and pulls them to the wall and puts their face in front of the calendar.

Friend:            Huh.  What do you know… March has 31 days.

Person:           Yeah.

Friend:            I’m really sorry about that.

Person:           Me too.

Friend:            Why’re you sorry?

Person:           Oh, you’ll find out.  Tomorrow.

Person walks out of room, exits.

Friend:            Why?  What are you going to do tomorrow?  Hey!  What are you going to do!?

Friend runs out of room after Person, exits.

Characters:
Sign Spinner
Clown
Passers-by (multiple)

Setting:
Intersection Corner; Day

Passers-by walk along the sidewalk as a Sign-Spinner walks onto the corner.  The Spinner sets the sign against a nearby wall and looks up and down the street sidewalk.  The Spinner begins to stretch their shoulders (swinging their arms around in large circles), hip (putting hands on hip, feet together, swinging their hip around in a large circle), hamstrings (grabbing their calf behind them and pulling ankle to butt on each leg), neck (rolling the head around in a large circle), face (tensing and relaxing their face back and forth), and finishes by shaking it all out in one last gigantic explosion of movement.  Stillness.  Deep exhale.  Passers-by continue passing by.

The Spinner grabs their sign and does some pre-movement stuff, nothing too difficult, then grabs their water bottle, drinks some water down, swishes a little around in their mouth, and spits it out.  The Spinner hops in place three times to get the blood flowing when a Clown holding a stack of flyers walks around the opposite corner and the two see each other.

Spinner:          This just got interesting.

Clown:            You’re telling me, asshole.

Characters:
Grandma
Joey – Grandson
Victor – Joey’s Friend
Vanessa – Joey’s Mom/Grandma’s Daughter
Uncle Bert – Vanessa’s Brother/ Grandma’s Son
Guests (multiple)

Setting:
Grandma’s House

- – - – -

Family and friends fill Grandma’s living room.  Grandma sits on a love seat as the younger people stand and mosey about.  Joey, Grandma’s Grandson, enters holding a wrapped present with his friend, Victor.  Upon walking in, Joey’s mother, Vanessa, spots him.

Vanessa:         Joey!  You made it!

Joey:               Hey mom!

Vanessa walks over to Joey and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

Vanessa:         I’m glad you made it.  And Victor!  Good to see you, too.

Victor:                        Hi there Ms. Jones.  It’s been too long.  You’re looking great.

Vanessa:         Thank you.  And my, have you grown up.

Joey:               Alright you two.

Vanessa:         I’m glad you made it.  Just so you two know, there’s a ton of food; eat up.

Victor:            Now that you mention it -

Vanessa points.

Victor:                        Thank you.

Victor makes his way to the food.

Vanessa:         So where’s Rebecca?  I thought she’d make it too.

Joey:               She’s out celebrating her 21^st with her girlfriends.

Vanessa:         That’s right.  She has the same birthday.

Joey:               Yeah, I’ll be seeing her in a little bit.

Vanessa:         Well, let her know she is missed and happy birthday.  Hey, now that you’re here, go say hello to the birthday girl.

Joey:               Oh yeah.  Where is the little lady?

Vanessa:         Right over there and dying to see you.

Joey makes his way over to Grandma in the loveseat as mother returns to the flow of the room.

Joey:               Hi Grandma!  Happy Birthday!

Grandma nods and smiles and blows a kiss.

Joey:               Oh c’mon; none of that.  Get over here: we’re family.

Joey goes in and gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Joey:               Man, I remember as if it were yesterday when you were only… 80 years young.  Feels like yesterday.

Grandma waves him off.

Joey:               No, I’m serious.  You could be posing for Playboy with a figure like that.  I’m just saying.  Alright, I’m going to grab something to eat.  You want anything; food; drink?

Grandma nods and slightly shakes no.

Joey:               Alright.  Don’t get too crazy over here.  Still a lot of party left.

Joey walks over to the food table and grabs a plate.  Victor comes over and joins him holding a plate full of food.

Joey:               Eatten in days?

Victor:                        Not this well.  How’s grandma-ma?

Joey:               Still kicking.

Victor:                        Good.  How about your other lady?

Joey:               I’m assuming she’s good.  Haven’t heard anything yet (checks phone).

Victor:            So what do you get a woman who’s been around since the turn of the last century, by the way?

Joey:               What did I get her?  A kaleidoscope.

Victor:                        Nice!

Joey:               Right?!

Victor:                        What about Rebecca?  What did you get her?

Joey:               I got her something a little more naughty.

Victor:                        Nice again!

Vanessa:         (to room) Time for cake, everyone!

Victor:                        Super nice!!!

Everyone makes their way to the table.  Joey puts the gift he’s been holding down on the table near the cake alongside other gifts.  Grandma slowly makes her way to the table and sits in the center.  Once everyone is ready and quiet around the table, Uncle Bert walks in carrying a cake with one candle.

Uncle Bert:     On three everyone!  One, two, three!

Everyone sings “Happy Birthday.”  Grandma remains frozen, sitting in her chair, after the song finishes.  Joey pulls out his cell phone which is vibrating in his pocket.  Pause.

Vanessa:         Alright Mom, blow out your candle.

Nothing; Grandma remains frozen.  Joey quietly reads aloud the text to himself.

Joey:               (to self)  Why’d you get me a kaleidoscope?  Oh no.

Victor:                        Uh oh.

Vanessa:         Mom?

Grandma collapses and falls onto the table.  Everyone’s shocked.

Vanessa:         Mom!

The impact of the fall causes Joey’s package to start vibrating amongst all the other gifts on the table.  People begin tending to Grandma; some noticing the moving gift.

Uncle Bert:     What’s going on there?

Bert goes to grab the package but Joey reaches and grabs it before him.

Joey:               It’s nothing!  Not important!

Vanessa: Someone!  Can someone help me?

Joey throws the package out of scene.

Joey:               What about Grandma!?

Uncle Bert:     But-

Joey:               Call an ambulance, Bert!

Uncle Bert:     Alright!

Vanessa:         No, no, no; it’s just her narcolepsy.  She’ll come back.

Victor:                        But what about her head.  She hit it pretty bad.

Vanessa:         I know.  Let’s see where she’s at when she comes to.  Can you grab an ice pack Bert?

Uncle Bert:     On it.

Bert leaves the room.

Joey:               Wow, that was close.

Victor:                        I know!

Vanessa:         I know.

Victor:                        So lucky, dude.

Vanessa:         So, so lucky.  She could have fallen into the cake?  Then what?

Victor:                        We could only have been so lucky.

Joey:               (to Grandma) Hey there birthday girl, you alright?  You hit your head pretty bad.

As Grandma comes to, she nods.

Vanessa:         Good.  Bert’s getting you ice.  You’re going to be alright, alright?  Gave us a good scare there.

Victor:            You want to know an ancient remedy I know that will help her recover quicker… cake.

Vanessa:         Victor.

Victor:                        What?

Joey:               Should we get Grandma somewhere a little more comfy?

Vanessa:         Yeah.  Do you boys mind-

Victor:                        We’ve got it covered.

Vanessa: The boys are going to take you to your seat Mom, okay?  A little more comfortable.  Okay?

Grandma nods.  The boys walk around to each side of Grandma.  She stands up and each grab and arm and help her to the love seat.  Bert brings in an ice pack and puts it on Grandma’s head.

Uncle Bert:     There you are Mom.  How’s that feel?

Grandma falls asleep again and the ice pack falls off and into her lap.  Everyone looks around at each other.

Vanessa: I’ll grab it.

Vanessa grabs and removes the ice pack from Grandma’s lap.

Victor:                        Remind me never to get old.

Vanessa smacks Victor with the ice pack in the arm/chest.

Victor:                        What!?  It’s true!

Uncle Bert: I hope she wakes up soon so she can open presents.

Vanessa: Oh yeah!  C’mon mom, you want presents?

Grandma’s still asleep.

Uncle Bert: Maybe this’ll help.  Hey mom, want to open some presents?

Uncle Bert pulls Joey’s gift out from behind his back.

Victor:                        Oh, god yes.

Joey:               Oh god.

Uncle Bert:     This one’s from… Joey!  Hey!

Uncle Bert shakes it a little and puts it into Grandma’s lap. Grandma sleeps.

Vanessa:         C’mon mom; presents.

Lights out.  Box begins vibrating.

Characters:
Man
Neighbor
Woman

Setting:
Outside Apartment Building, South Wall, 3^rd Floor

Two balconies are in view as Man walks out onto his balcony, stage left, popping almonds into his mouth every so often as he leans along the ledge with his forearms.  He looks to his right and stares into the sun as it sits just above the horizon.  He enjoys the view and continues to pop an almond at a time in his mouth.

A minute later, his Neighbor walks out onto his balcony, stage right, popping cashews into his mouth. He leans along the ledge with his forearms and looks out at the sunset.  Man notices Neighbor walk out and watches him a bit, then goes back to looking at the sun.

Man looks back at Neighbor and Neighbor looks up and over to his left and sees Man.  They make eye contact and Man nods to Neighbor who immediately turns his face away.  Neighbor looks back at the sun briefly then turns and goes back into his apartment.  Man watches the whole thing.  When Neighbor walks back in, Man smiles and shakes his head then goes back to watching the sunset, popping almonds in his mouth.  Man closes his eyes and soaks in the rays of the sun for a few moments.

Woman:              (off scene, Man’s Apt) What you doing out there, babe?

Man opens his eyes, awakens.

Man:                     Oh… nothing.

Man nods to the sun and turns around and heads into his apartment, shaking his head smiling.  He pops one more almond in his mouth before exiting scene.

Jason Brain
All Rights Reserved

Sometimes, Man… Sometimes

Characters:
Bob – Father
Child – Daughter
Man

Setting:
A Park

- – - – -

A Man is reading a book, sitting on a blanket in the park.  Bob enters, walking in holding the hand of his four year old daughter.  Bob drinks from a large paper cup through a straw and finishes his drink a few steps into scene.

Bob:                        Looks like Daddy finished all the soda.  No more soda.  Sorry baby.

Child:                     Awwwwwww.

Bob looks down at Man and they make eyes contact, and Man smiles and nods to the two of them.  Bob waves back quickly.

Bob stops and takes a step back, imitating a basketball player as he looks down the trash can about 12 feet away.

Bob:                        Think Daddy can make this, baby?

Child:                        Can we go home yet?

Bob:            I told Mommy we wouldn’t be back for another (checks cell phone) 2 hours.  Now… is Daddy gonna sink this?

Child:                        I want ice cream from the truck.

Bob:            If Daddy makes this.  Three… (steps back) Two… (fades away) One… (jumps, shoots-misses completely)  So close.

Man looks up from his book and looks at the cup.

Child:                        Awwwww.

Man looks up at the daughter, then as he speaks, Bob.

Bob:                        Only one thing to do after a loss like that… ice cream!

Child:                        Yaaayy!

Bob:                        C’mon!

Bob and his daughter run off and out of scene.  Man puts his bookmark in his book and sits up.  He looks at the cup for a short bit, then gets up, and walks towards it.  He kneels down to it and picks it up, smells the mouth end of the straw and distastes the scent subtly.  He stands up and throws it in the trash.  He then walks intently off scene to Bob.  A short moment passes.

Bob:            (off scene) Why would I care!?  Someone gets paid to keep this place clean anyway!

Pause.

Bob:            (off scene)  Hey!  What are you doing!?  You can’t do that!  That’s my ice cream!  (beat)  Hey!  (two beats)  Hey!

Pause.  Man re-enters slowly and casually, opening the ice cream wrapper; tossing out the wrapper as he passes the trash.

Bob:                        (off scene)  Yeah!? I will do something about it!  I’m calling the cops!

Man lies down on his blanket and grabs his book, then takes a bite of the ice cream and is satisfied.

Man:                        (to self)  Go ahead.  Make my day.